About letting go and the future..

Hello all, how was your first half of your Golden week?

I hope everyone had a great fun! 🙂

This midnight post actually I want to share a something a bit disturbing me nowadays, a bit not so important, but anyway, I just want to share, sorry for whining :’)

Okay, so since i was little I always do so many things at the same time, this multi-tasking nature is something that i’m considered as a quality of mine. But seems like now, since I become older I am not as multi-tasking girl as before, especially after moving to Japan. what’s happening?

In elementary school i took so many extra lessons after school; piano, violin, vocal, English, and drawing, I guess. From junior high school I added the lesson with guitar with as well begin to join school magazine and school vocal group team. High school was even more busier, I did not take as many extra lesson ) but I began to start playing violin with band, and orchestra, I began to do some violin job at weddings and other events, and as well be the official English debating team of my school.

But i think the most glorious time for me was first until third year of university. Beside coping with microbiology student life, I was really busy with my band (because we made album, we had quite amount of performances and promotions), I was still busy as a music entertainer, I was busy at the classical music community, indie music community, violin community, I was busy teaching violin, and I was also busy doing online cake shop business. I had good friends and networking.

Bandung was my comfort zone, I really felt like being myself that time. I really felt that although I was not studying music, I still could pursue music career and i still believe in my foolish dream. What was my foolish dream? It was to be a real musician and real performer, yes, to be one of those musicians we see everyday in television.

But now life’s changing, yes, it has changed, A LOT.

I am parting off with my comfort zone, yes, to a completely new world here, a harsh place named Tokyo. Of course, I am really grateful for the opportunity to study here. But the shock of living here also really opened my eyes a lot, to be more realistic about growing up.

Life here is pretty much restricted. First is because of my burden to do my research which was damn difficult. Secondly, also because of the language barrier. I cannot easily join any music community here. Thirdly, yes life here is pretty much about routine, it is a very rare thing to do something out of your routine.

So, I end up in my university orchestra and Indonesian Student Association Angklung Team, which was excellent, of course, I’m grateful that i can still play music and be accepted. But of course, this is so different from my past music life which had great varieties.

And what’s more interesting? I found it here that extracurricular activities are almost only open for first until third year student of bachelor (B1-B3). No B4 like me (I am inside the orchestra only because the case of being an exchange student), no master and no doctor inside the extracurricular activity.

Meaning, after that they’ve passed their third year they have to focus. Focus on what? Their research, final project, master course examination, or job hunting. Yes, it seems like they are really focusing on their future, their future career related to their field of study. They hardly have time for their hobbies anymore. 

But, guess what? With this great focus, Japanese people usually do very great. They become something that we call expert.

Yes, they are advancing themselves, growing themselves, from a young undergraduate to an expert of their field

Now, sometimes of course i feel very lonely. Only being able to watch many music events in Bandung from social medias, and crying silently realizing that I used to actively participate there, having a good time, having a good position, while I am now here thinking and running experiments all the time. I am sad to see my position was being replaced by someone else. Some worse and paranoid thought even came to my mind sometimes, like I am now already an outdated musician and no one want to play music with me anymore.

—-

But, I’ve chosen my way, to be a full time scholar by choosing to go to Japan. It’s definitely an absolute consequences to have decrease amount to play music. And it is impossible to be a full time musician.

And being here really make me to strive and struggle more in my study. Being in a such a high academic condition place where everyone is a valedictorian with such a great pace of study, really motivates me to focus to my study, and STUDY LIKE CRAZY.

Yes, I do research like crazy because apparently I was not very good at my research so i have to make really great effort on it. Yes, I study Japanese language like crazy too, because i want to take master here and I think it would be beneficial if I can speak Japanese well and take Japanese Proficiency test (although it’s still the lowest level). Yes now I’m already planning about where to take Master (from Tokyo Tech, Tokyo University, Gent, or probably UNSW or somewhere in USA using Fulbright) and collecting information about how to enroll and how to get scholarship. Yes I am also thinking about passing GRE and how to make my iBT over 105. Yes, I am also preparing for music examination so that I can have legal license of teaching that can be used internationally.

Yes, all the thing that i do right now is for my future, future life, and future career in my field, BIOENGINEERING. MUSIC will only be a minor.

However, I am almost 22 right now, and I realize I cannot be the same Afifa anymore. I have to be an adult, not an adolescent that always think that she can pursue a good education while still playing music around so much.

It is hard of course, to let go your past, let go your dream to be a real musician and leave your comfort zone away, but I believe that eventually I can cope with this and be mature enough 🙂

Of course i will not say goodbye to music, but I guess i have to be able to realize that it is a minor for me. Now I am an adult, and I have chosen my academic over my music career.

Stay focus and keep being grateful, Afifa Ayu! Let’s fight for the future!

Love

Afifa Ayu Koesoema

Advertisements

One thought on “About letting go and the future..

  1. Focusing in one thing often able to calming down your ambitions. Though ambition in a hectic routine is not necessarily bad, but having a tranquility on your daily life is beautiful. Soon you’ll get used to it. Oh, and 22 is a more than a grown up lady, anyway 😉

    Cheers!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s