Hello, back with me here.
So right now I am enjoying a “holiday” period at home. I was diagnosed with Influenza A on Monday and according to the school’s policy I should not go to school for 5 days. According to my academic supervisor i should not think about research this week, lol. So here I am, just lingering with all my thoughts, writing from my bed.
So, what’s happening lately other than Influenza?
Well, I think something quite やばい is happening to my life right now. Of course, my problem is really tiny compared to some real world problems (like war, world hunger, poverty, drought, or pandemic disease). However, I learned so much from all my experiences, that’s why I think it is good to share it here..
I hope no one will get offended with my post. Anyway, if anyone feels offended, please contact me immediately through personal chat, I will discard this post.
But I hope not. This is just a little writing to encourage all people with similar experience as me to move forward 🙂
I struggle with self-esteem and confidence issues a lot.
I was bullied several times (I will not tell any detail here). Based on my experiences, I exactly know how destructive words can be for someone’s mental health.
Not that I want to underestimate the physical form of bullying, of course it is such a detrimental thing as well, but believe me, words can stab you just like the sharpest knife that cut your throat. I was lucky all the time I always have adequate mental support from my family and religion. Although not much, I also have best friends.
But yes, it left me scar.
I am always overcautious when dealing with new people, I am always afraid that people might not like me for who I am. I never feel good enough, although my GPA was like the best in my batch or I had a very good music career at that time.
Moving to Japan. I see Japan as a beautiful country that respect many beautiful values For a split second, I think this is my opportunity to be completely free from my self-esteem issue because no one will ever disturb me. But I was wrong.
It’s not because of the country. Indonesia is also a very beautiful country that respect many dignified values. Bullying attitude is a personal problem from the bullier, you can meet bullier basically anywhere.
Even in Mars, if you can find any intelligent life forms there, lol.
To make one and a half year of story short, and to avoid going into any detail I will just say that, yes, I experience bullying here.
It’s severe because here I only have my research. I don’t have my music career as my backup because I only play music here for a hobby. I do not have my family here 24/7, of course I have my best friends here 24/7, but sometimes nothing can beat your Mom’s hug, right? I have so many responsibilities in my hand as one of the most senior student in my lab. Most importantly, I haven’t published any international scientific journal yet. And it’s killing me, man~
I learned through some psychological article and discussion with my sisters, that all these times I’ve been a victim of gaslighting. And that’s really true! At times, I really doubt my own sanity, whether or not the mean conversations, the bad words, the hurting words, ever happened in the first place.
Yes, maybe I am weak, but at least I am brave enough to say that I crumbled and seek for help! If you’re bullied, it’s okay, even your courage to admit that you are being bullied and hurt is already one step forward!!!
Next step? Seek for help! Don’t be afraid, there must be someone that still wants to listen to you out there! Go to your teacher, go to your counseling department at your school, go everywhere, as long as you can still talk and still continue going to school! :’)
All praise to Allah. I still have a great support system from my family, Sensei, and best friends. All praise to Allah I still can think clearly and finally being able to speak out and fight back all the injustice even a little. All praise to Allah even know I have influenza so I can rest peacefully and think even clearer ..
To end this post I just want to say that every people in this world is a fighter. You might not see how people struggle in their life. But I believe, to reach their success, everyone will have their own way, their own time, and ways. Maybe, you might not be able to see how people evolve because you think they are too slow according to your pace. Maybe you might think that you are just so much better than someone else. But please, respect other people’s struggle.
You might not know what they have sacrificed to be here right now.
Just as much as you think you have fought, everyone also fight hard for their life 🙂
To all my little fighter buddies, I cannot say how much I owe you for all of your kindness, mental support and encouragement.
I pray to God, not only for our success in the future but also for our golden heart to remain unchanged for worldly success. I pray for a kind heart willing to help others and speak the truth gently.
To be a little fighter with a big dream that will achieve big but never belittle others.
With loads of love,
Afifa Ayu Koesoema